The neighbor keeps coming over unannounced to crack a beer and catch up. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Maybe…except if you value your privacy and don’t particularly want the neighbor’s company consistently. What if the neighbor keeps asking to borrow your garden tools and equipment? Do you simply comply because you’re their neighbor, or is there a way to politely and respectfully just say “no”? Being a people-pleaser may work for a short time, but eventually, you will have to find ways to say “no”…
If your neighbors want to borrow your things, use your car, park in your parking space, or throw constant joint parties with you and you’re just not keen, you have to learn to say “no”. Below, we take a look at the several ways that you can do that.
16 tips and advice on how to say “no” to your neighbor:
1. Be direct and actually use the word “no”.
Many people feel bad about saying “no” and fall into the trap of using other words and terms like “maybe” or “let me see”. Don’t put off saying no, especially if you really want to. Instead, say, “no, I think I will pass this time”, so that you aren’t keeping them hanging on a string of some kind.
2. Provide your “no” without delay.
If someone sends you an email or a text message asking you a question and you want to say “no”, but aren’t sure how, don’t delay your answer. The longer you leave your reply, the more awkward the situation becomes. It’s also left open to interpretation. Instead, answer as soon as possible so that it doesn’t appear as if you have spent all that time simply thinking up an excuse.
3. Have a follow-up reason to your “no”.
If you are going to say no, at least give a reason. If your neighbor invites you over, you can say, “no, I already have other plans with a friend”, for example. If you don’t want to let your neighbors use your garden equipment because they don’t return it on time or they damage them, let them know gently that you need to use the equipment yourself.
4. Don’t get elaborate on your reasons – be very careful with this.
Sometimes if we want to say no, but don’t want to be rude, we oversell the reasons why we can’t or don’t want to. Don’t do that – it will be see-through. Don’t tell them a long and elaborate tale about how you have to take your cousin’s sick aunt to a faraway hospital for some treatment. Instead, be honest about the reasons why you can’t or don’t want to. Or as honest as possible, at least.
5. Provide an alternative to the proposed situation.
If you want to say “no”, but don’t want that “no” to stand forever, propose an alternative plan. If your neighbor invites you for a barbecue, say “no thanks, but perhaps next weekend you can come over to our place for a barbecue”. If they want to use your garden equipment, perhaps you can say “you can’t use our lawnmower this weekend, but next weekend it is free for you to use”. This keeps the friendship going.
6. Say you are sorry…it softens the blow.
If you like your neighbors and want to keep a good relationship going with them, try to soften the blow of your “no” by saying “sorry”. You could try saying “sorry we can’t make it, but maybe next time”, or similar.
7. A white lie won’t kill anyone.
If you don’t really have a reason for saying “no”, but want to say “no” anyway, try using a harmless white lie. You can say you are busy or someone else is using your garden equipment that weekend. Get creative, but not too creative.
8. Don’t assume feelings of obligation – there’s no need.
If you find that you can’t say no because you feel obligated to always say yes to your neighbors, stop and change your mindset. There is absolutely no reason why you should feel obliged to do anything for anyone. Learning to put yourself first is vitally important if you want to live a happy life.
9. Harden up…do what makes you happy.
Sometimes always saying “yes” when you want to say “no” is a sign of being too soft. Are you too soft? Do you find yourself unable to say “no” to your neighbors, colleagues, friends, and family members? If so, you may need to look at strategies for hardening up a bit so that you can put yourself first and say “yes” when you mean it and “no” when you mean it too.
10. Tell them why your “no” is “no”.
Being direct is important, and if you find yourself wavering when you say “no”, it’s going to come across as insincere. Sometimes people need to know precisely why you cannot do something or help them with something. Perhaps being direct will help you in your living environment. You could say “no, we can’t have a joint barbecue, because last time things got out of hand” or “no, you can’t park in our parking spot because last time we had nowhere for our visitors to park for over a month”. It’s not rude if you are direct. Just make sure you use the right tone of voice.
11. Be unkind/nasty (you will never have to say “no” again).
If you really want to shut things down so that you don’t have to say “no” to the neighbors ever again, you could be vaguely nasty or abrupt about it. This may not seem polite – in fact, it isn’t, but it had to be said. You could say “no, I don’t loan my garden equipment out; it just causes issues between neighbors”. Say this firmly and with a hint of nastiness in your voice, and it could solve all of your problems.
12. First compliment, then follow up with a firm “no”.
If you want to keep things friendly and above board, make sure that you first compliment your neighbor. You could say something like “we had so much fun the last time we came to one of your parties, but this time we aren’t going to make it”. It really does help to soften the blow.
13. Play avoidance.
You don’t have to say “no” if you’re able to avoid your neighbors. In that scenario, there’s no opportunity for them to ask you in the first place.
14. Make a personal list of reasons why you have to or should say “no”.
If you go out with all intentions to say “no”, but find yourself saying “maybe” or “yes” instead, prepare yourself better for when you respond. Make a list of reasons why you want to say “no” in the first place. Make sure that your mindset is fully on board with the reasons why, before you go in to say “no”.
15. Be a tad unapproachable (it works!).
If you aren’t the most approachable neighbor, the neighbors won’t really want to ask you for favors (or barbecues, for that matter). You don’t have to be rude, but keep the greetings short and sweet, and don’t make yourself too available when outside of your home’s private walls.
16. Play the blame game (on your partner, of course).
If you want to say “no” but just can’t face the task yourself, play a bit of a blame game. You could always say “thanks for the invite, but I have to ask my partner first”, and then the answer can be no. Your partner might not love this idea, but it works!
Sometimes saying “no” can feel really unnatural. Because we naturally want to get along with people and never really want to seem like we are being rude, we often say “yes” when we really want to say “no”.
Being self-centered is challenging to many people. So, if you’re struggling to do what you want to do and instead end up doing things that you don’t really want to do, the above pointers will help you to get to a place where you can say “no” without seeming rude or disrespectful. You could find yourself freed from the shackles of plans and favors that you never wanted to agree to in the first place. Good luck!